grandma shit on top of the toilet
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
