After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize