i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
