Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize