I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
