he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
