We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
