Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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