if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
