It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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