Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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