There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can't put those talents on a resume
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
