Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
