The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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