i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
