i think my tv is drunk
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
