just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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