Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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