I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
