A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
