As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
