I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
