I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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