Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
