Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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