thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm both gender and math confused
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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