Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
