the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
