Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
