Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
