Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
worst night to have a conscience
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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