very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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