Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
