she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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