dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize