He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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