so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize