Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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