Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
