nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
