mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
