I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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