getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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