you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
