I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
