How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
