I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
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