evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
