Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
