just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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