I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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