I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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