Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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