I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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