I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
