Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
