Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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