I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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