Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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